Tripping Over Your Own Stories
“Ever notice that everyone who drives faster than you is a maniac and slower than you is an idiot?” – George Carlin
Most coaching conversations actually start way before the two parties involved ever sit down to face each other. The problem is both parties have made up stories in their minds about how the conversation will end, why there is no point in even having it and how the other person will react. This automatically gets each party’s back up and starts the conversation off on the wrong foot.
Admit it, you do it too! You make up a story in your mind that may not have a pretty ending before you even start the conversation. You set the conversation up for failure by speculating what will happen. The fact is you have no way of knowing how the conversation will go until you actually have it.
If your head is full of your own made-up stories prior to going into a conversation, try these tips:
- Consider that you might be wrong. Go into the conversation with an open mind as to how things might turn out. Have you ever been positively surprised by a conversation? What proof do you have that your preconceived ending is the right one? Why are you so attached to a particular ending? What if you could wipe the slate clean and start over…then how would you start the conversation?
- Rehearse the upcoming conversation with someone you really trust. This will help you go through the worst-case scenarios and think rationally about how to handle them. When you get stuck trying an approach, ask your trusted colleague to jump in with his or her own approach. If you like the approach, or some aspects of it, try it yourself. Get real-time feedback on how you’re coming across. Now you’re more prepared for the real conversation.
- Be aware of how your stories are impacting your behaviour. For instance, if you’ve already made your mind up that a particular employee came in late because he or she just doesn’t give a damn, then the conversation really won’t go well. You’re likely to come across as directive and accusatory. Is that what you want? What is your intention in having this conversation? What is your end goal? Think about aligning your approach to the conversation with your end goal.
Did you know that most of the time our judgments about why people do the things they do are actually wrong? We make the Attribution Error. Often, we attribute a person’s behaviour to a personality trait, rather than to the situation he or she happened to be in at the time. For example, if an employee is late we’re more likely to blame it on carelessness, laziness, or the inability to manage time. On the other hand, if you yourself are late you’re more likely to attribute it to traffic or the alarm not going off.
Before you jump to conclusions, give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Ask yourself: Why would a reasonable, rational person do this? Brainstorm all the possibilities. Be as fair to the other person as you would be to yourself.
Thanks for the reminder Daneal!
Thanks for the good reminder Daneal!