Emotionless Conversations, Really!
When I teach managers how to have coaching sessions with their employees, they often want to know how to remove emotion from the conversation. Generally, they’re concerned that either they or their employees get too emotional. But guess what, we’re full of emotions! That’s what makes us human. When used constructively, emotions can be a powerful force in conversations—conveying passion for one’s work, empathy for another co-worker, or a commitment to make things better.
The real problem is that most of the time in conversations emotions are ignored or left unaddressed. For instance, I once had a boss whose anger was so explosive that even his boss avoided having tough conversations with him. You may avoid having a tough conversation because you’re afraid that the conversation will get ‘too personal.’ If you ever find yourself in a conversation with an emotional colleague or employee, use it as an opportunity to help them work through their emotions without getting triggered. You do this by giving the person the space to clear his or her emotions.
Here’s how it works:
First, give the other person full permission to vent for a limited time. For example, “You’ve got 5 minutes to tell me what you’re pissed off about…and then we can talk about the budget.” As he or she vents, provide encouragement to put it all on the table with responses like “yes,” “say more,” “what else,” etc. At the end of 5 minutes, signal that time is up and get permission to move onto the next agenda item.
Second, emotions are bound to show in our fast-paced, intense business environment. People are pressing each other’s hot buttons all the time. But to be ‘professional’ we need to self-manage our own triggers and not displace them on someone else. If you find something triggering your emotions, try to take a time-out from the conversation and avoid resuming it until you figure out why you’re emotional, how you’re going to deal with it, and a strategy to keep your emotions in check in that situation. If you don’t deal with your own emotions, the conversation can get ugly.
Photo by Stephen Poff. Licensed under CC.
What would you recommend when it is the manager who is emotional and the employee isn't getting much direction just a lot of negative comments. How does the employee get the manager to give more constructive feedback? This came up as a topic in a group I facilitate. We came up with a strategy but I'd love to hear your comments.
Alvah – great question. Engaging someone who is on an emotional tirade is a pretty tough thing to do. My first suggestion is: don't do it when they are “in the moment”. It's very very difficult to talk someone down in the midst of an emotional rush. Addressing this issue in a calm moment is likely to result in better results.
I think its time for the employee to be direct with the manager as to how the negative comments impact her. The scripting “when you do (action)…I feel (impact)…what I need from you (needs)…” works for me as contrived as it sometimes feels in the moment. Sometimes people just have no idea how they are impacting others.
I am curious about why the manager is negative towards this employee OR is it all employees? Does the employee need to have a tough conversation about their relationship. This could start with “I have noticed in the last 2 months our conversations are often not constructive. What I want is to change this situation (state positive intention). Is this a good time to talk about this? (ask permission). All of these things set the conversation up for success.